Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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