I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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