i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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