Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
