is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize