Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
