everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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