there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize