Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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