If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
