I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize