on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
