Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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