Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
