wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
