break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
