maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
