Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
