no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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