Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My life is pants optional.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
