his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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