I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
