After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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