woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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