WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
