roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
zippers are such a cool invention
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Randomize
