mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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