Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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