got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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