You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
