a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize