alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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