My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
