he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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