Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
