I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
