My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
