Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize