I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
