I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
