I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
