So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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