ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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