someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How's work?
Spinning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
