Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
