This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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