So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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