Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
