I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You smell like stripper and shame
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize