just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
