dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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