I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
