just come out here and I will go home with you...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
