Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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