My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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