How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
