My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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