FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
