Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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