I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
