Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So much rum. So many feels.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
