I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
