she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
