if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
