I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
