i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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