Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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