it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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