When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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