You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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