We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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