She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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