But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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