It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
