and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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