I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
